Ed Schwartzman is known around Bloomington as the vivacious and bubbly owner of Buffalouies and Gables Bagels. He typically remembers his customer’s names, and is always willing to help out a friend.
If you get to know Ed for long enough or get him talking about music, a certain playlist always comes to his mind; Falling Star: The Songs of Ben Schwartzman.
That’s Ed’s late son Ben’s album, with songs that Ben recorded before his death.
In 2007, Ben Schwartzman was trapped in his own mind, suffering from depression and bipolar, and struggling to see the light at the end of his mental battle.
He unfortunately couldn’t hold on any longer, and hung himself in October of 2007.
Ever since then, Ed Schwartzman has been through every stage of grief possible, but one analogy has helped him battle through the grief.
“If you’ve ever been at the ocean, and you’re walking along the shore, and a wave takes you and knocks you down so hard on your ass that you’re fighting to get up to breathe. And at the beginning the waves of grief are so strong, so powerful, you don’t even think you can breathe because they just come so fast. But you keep getting up and you get to the surface and you keep walking along the shore, and these waves keep knocking you down, and you keep getting up. But eventually, you get to the point where I am, where there’s this little ripple on your ankle and every once in a while a wave will come like it’s coming right now, and it knocks me down a little, but nowhere near the waves of grief that came in the first year or two.”
While his grief journey has not been easy, and he can get knocked down by waves sometimes, he is simply grateful for the 19 years he had with Ben and the love they had for each other.
“I’m not filled with guilt, I’m filled with love and just gratitude that I just had him for 19 years.”
While Ben’s younger sister Hayley wishes she had more time with him, she has also gone through her own journey of grief.
“I’ve learned how to live with the grief, but it’s not something that you can just get over. For me, it’s been really helpful to keep his memory alive, and not just pretend that it didn’t happen.”
Ed and her have healed by listening to Ben’s music and working to continue his son’s legacy through his music.
“I went years without listening to his music. I couldn’t do it. But, about two years ago, an almost stranger who I had spoken to years ago had a friend who had a music studio in Nashville, and he stopped in the store and told me that a friend of mine is remastering all of Ben’s music.”
From then on, other people helped upload the songs onto Spotify and other streaming services.
After that, Ed began listening to Ben’s music again, and it made him feel happy.
Now Ed is on a mission to spread Ben’s music and continue the mental health talk. Anytime one of Ben’s songs is streamed and makes about an eighth of a penny, that money goes to Centerstone in Nashville, TN.
Losing a loved one to suicide is not easy, but being able to engage with others and share Ben’s music with the world, Ed and Hayley have healed, and are only continuing to grow.
